ea of any of this。 I feel sick; sick to
my core; even now; when I can
see and feel you safe in my arms。 I am the most miserable excuse for—〃
〃Stop;〃 I interrupted him。 He stared at me with agonized eyes; and I tried to
find the right words—the
words that would free him from this imagined obligation that caused him so
much pain。 They were very
hard words to say。 I didn't know if I could get them out without breaking
down。 But I had to try to do it
right。 I didn't want to be a source of guilt and anguish in his life。 He
should be happy; no matter what it
cost me。
I'd really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation。 It was
going to bring things to an end so
much sooner。
Drawing on all my months of practice with trying to be normal for Charlie; I
kept my face smooth。
〃Edward;〃 I said。 His name burned my throat a little on the way out。 I could
feel the ghost of the hole;
waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he disappeared。 I didn't quite see
how I was going to survive it
this time。 〃This has to stop now。 You can't think about things that way。 You
can't let this this guilt
rule your life。 You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me
here。 None of it is your fault;
it's just part of how life is for me。 So; if I trip in front of a bus or
whatever it is next time; you have to
realize that it's not your job to take the blame。 You can't just go running
off to Italy because you feel bad
that you didn't save me。 Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die; that
would have been my choice; and
not your fault。 I know it's your your