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第61部分

ea of any of this。 I feel sick; sick to

my core; even now; when I can

see and feel you safe in my arms。 I am the most miserable excuse for—〃

〃Stop;〃 I interrupted him。 He stared at me with agonized eyes; and I tried to

find the right words—the

words that would free him from this imagined obligation that caused him so

much pain。 They were very

hard words to say。 I didn't know if I could get them out without breaking

down。 But I had to try to do it

right。 I didn't want to be a source of guilt and anguish in his life。 He

should be happy; no matter what it

cost me。

I'd really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation。 It was

going to bring things to an end so

much sooner。

Drawing on all my months of practice with trying to be normal for Charlie; I

kept my face smooth。

〃Edward;〃 I said。 His name burned my throat a little on the way out。 I could

feel the ghost of the hole;

waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he disappeared。 I didn't quite see

how I was going to survive it

this time。 〃This has to stop now。 You can't think about things that way。 You

can't let this this guilt

rule your life。 You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me

here。 None of it is your fault;

it's just part of how life is for me。 So; if I trip in front of a bus or

whatever it is next time; you have to

realize that it's not your job to take the blame。 You can't just go running

off to Italy because you feel bad

that you didn't save me。 Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die; that

would have been my choice; and

not your fault。 I know it's your your